Who am I?

I DON’T KNOW

I have recently been asked by work to complete The Predictive Index®, which is a behavioural assessment. It actually sounds pretty scary, like if the results come back wrong they might lock me up.

It said it would only take 10 minutes to complete. So being a smart ass I decided I would do it half hour before I needed to leave. Big mistake. It basically comprised of about 50 words. First I had to select the ones that I think are expected of me, and then I had to choose the ones that I believed best represented me.

I found this really difficult. I have this problem that how I think I am and how I actually act are completely different. I always think of myself as super shy, quiet, a bit stuck up, and mysterious, kind of like a sneaky cat. But when I’m around other people most of the time I’m friendly, polite, chatty, sometimes makes jokes and occasionally say really open and private things that probably shouldn’t be talked about in public, like a big bumbling baboon.

When I was younger I was a lot like the first person I described, I didn’t really talk to anyone, I used to get in trouble for it, completely refusing to talk in case I said something inappropriate, rude or embarrassing. I thought people would judge me for who I am, and was very insecure about pretty much everything, how I looked, how I sounded, the things I enjoyed, the things that made me me. This was even around my family, my friends, everyone except my little sister (which was stupid because she can’t keep a secret to save her life). When I’m alone I still think I’m like that insecure, scared little girl, until I’m around other people and I say things without really thinking, and people just find it funny or accept the weirdness as me.

I have been working on myself a lot over the last two years. Graduating from university, moving out on my own, and spending a lot of time by myself has helped with little things. Such as what music I like, what clothes I like, what I have a passion for, and what makes me really happy, all without being influenced to much by other people. I’ve had a lot of super bad days where I’ve been stuck inside my own head, freaking out about what to do with my life and feeling like I’m running out of time to get my shit together, but in the end I managed to make some small changes which helped me to feel happier and relaxed in my own skin.

Anyway, in the end I managed to complete the assessment. I had to imagine I was at work, and remember how I acted in certain situations. Probably not how it was meant to be completed, but I got it done (and was only five minutes late leaving the house).

This situation has made me think about who I really am, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t care. I’m not going to stress out about how I come across to people, and I’m sure as hell not going to put a label on myself. As long as I’m polite and happy I don’t really see what the problem is.

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